Dear Daughter

Dear Daughter

Every day I wake up feeling absolutely astounding! Being pregnant has been one of the greatest experiences of my life. I almost don’t have words to describe it. As I’ve said time and time again it’s like falling in love all over again, but different. I guess different because I realize that this person that’s cooking away in my belly is mine & Zach’s responsibility and a product of the love we share between each other. I’ve decided on this beautiful soothing rainy day to let my daughter know a few things. Things I knew and was told growing up and it helped.

  • You are wanted and loved.

Ava, please always know that you are wanted and that we love you. We have wanted you in our lives since we fell in love. You have been loved since the moment I found out I was pregnant. We are beyond excited to bring you into this world and show you everything and we will love you good and bad no matter what.

  • If Dad and I fight, it is NEVER your fault.

Marriage is hard. People fight. It is normal. If you do something wrong and you hear or see Dad and I arguing later, it is not your fault. There is something else that we’re really upset about and it’s never you. You will test our patience and break our hearts, but we will never fight because of you.

  • Be a good person and do the right thing.

If you’re gay, straight, trans, a CEO of a company, fast food worker, ditch digger, teacher, tall, short, fat, skinny, I don’t care. None of that matters to me. Be a good person. That is most important. Everything else doesn’t matter beause being a good person and doing the right thing is never wrong. I don’t care what the world thinks or says about you. You are loved unconditionally by your family especially your father and I. All we want in this life is for you to be happy. Even in my darkest days I knew that I had to be a good person and ALWAYS  do the right thing no matter how much it sucks.

You will learn that people suck some times. That life is hard and people will hurt you. You cannot let them take away the good in you. You are better than that. You cannot let them turn you cold. I know it’ll be hard, trust me I know. Even if it’s a family member who hurts you forgive them, even when they don’t apologize..which will hurt the most, forgiving them is the best thing you can do. Not for them, for yourself…because it is the right thing to do. You have to worry about how you sleep at night, not them.

I can’t wait to meet you little girl. I hope and pray that you’re a happy healthy baby when you arrive. I promise I will continue to make sure to take care of you while you’re in there. Oh and maybe don’t kick mommy so hard in the nerve…she likes to walk without nearly falling over. Haha.

You, Me, and the Baby Makes 3

You, Me, and the Baby Makes 3

My husband and I have been together since July of 2012. It’s honestly strange to think that I’ve been with someone that long, that I’ve begun to share a life with this person. When you look at us, you honestly would not think we go together. I am very much a type A personality, and my husband is not. I’m loud and outspoken, he’s quiet and reserved. Like I said before I’m chaos, he is order. We’re very opposite on so many things so it makes people wonder what keeps them together? I do not claim to be a marriage expert in any way, shape, or form so I can’t tell you. I will tell you what I’ve learned since I’ve been with my husband.

Just jump. Literally. I am terrified of heights. Like too close to a balcony ledge I’m ready to throw up and cry. A few summers ago my brother in law took the family out to the Colorado River. While we were there my brother in law suggested cliff diving. I followed the boys (my sister couldn’t go due to being pregnant with my nephews) up the cliff and looked down. I honestly thought if I jumped off I would die. It took my husband to take my head, look me in the eye, and tell me we’d jump together…and I did. It was the most terrifying thing I had ever experienced. I totally peed myself on the way down too, it was gross. My husband has also helped me get over my anxiety about needles. My whole life I have been terrified of needles. Like I’ve kicked a doctor (I was like 12), and until I was 18 my dad still came to be my support as I got a shot. The nurse would laugh and give me her judgey judge look and say “You still need your dad here?”. Yeah lady I hate needles so make it quick. So how did I get over my needle issue? The 2nd day of dating my husband and I went to donate blood. He couldn’t I could. From then I would start donating when I could and face that fear and now when my doctor has me go for blood tests I’m not longer terrified. I just go and stay calm.

You can’t have everything. I know that sounds stupid and cliche, but hear me out. When we lived together my husband struggled to keep a job that paid well and gave him enough hours. It was hard, but it meant that he was home about 80% of the time while I worked 5 days a week. In that time there was a lot of taking each other for granted. I remember one night we were both sitting in bed and wouldn’t really talk to each other. Finally I asked what was wrong and he told me how he felt like I did nothing around the house. Initially I was pissed. Who the hell did he think he was, he wasn’t working I was. Then I realized…even if he wasn’t working it was still my responsibility to help take care of things and the most important thing I wasn’t taking care of was my husband. We talked that whole night about things we wanted to change and what we expected. At this point we had only been living together a few months and already had the biggest fight that I think every couple goes through when you move in. I call it the “I’m not your mother/father” fight. You know the one where you’re feeling each other out and you realize your significant other isn’t perfect? Yeah that one. After those two fights I think we really hit our stride as a couple. We learned what was important and most importantly to take time. Now my husband works 50-60 hours a week and goes to school full time. Our time to see each other is limited and yes I would love for him to be here more because I’m needy damn it! but at the same time I know it can’t be that way otherwise we wouldn’t have the things that we do and be able to do things that we like. So even if we don’t see each other every night (we may wake each other up for this) we talk. We also try to go out just the two of us at least one every few months. Our finances our tight so we can’t afford to always do a date night, but when we do it’s always spontaneous and nice. It’s those moments, I think, that helps remind us of why we chose to be together.

In that I’ve learned to be a little more patient…and to be nice. What do I mean be nice? I am not a nice person. I’m not. I admit my default mode is bitch and I can be a bit of a hothead. There is no real reason, but with my husband and I coming from two different worlds sometimes I want to choke him out. I have to remind myself that our cultural differences aren’t something that mesh over night. I have to remind myself to breathe to think about his point of view and to approach the situation calmly. I’m still working on this and it is probably my biggest struggle as a wife, but I will get better. I have to, because if I don’t work to fix these things about myself, what am I saying about how I feel about my relationship and specifically my husband. To me, if I were to not try and work on not being so mean it means I don’t care. It means that I think that I’m better than my husband because I refuse to change. When I apologize to me husband more than I’d like to admit. for being mean he’ll just laugh and say “it’s okay.” Boy I never knew how much apologizing came with a relationship.

I know things will change. I know that when this baby arrives a new kind of fight will make it’s way to the surface, and that’s okay. I am confident that between the two of us and our commitment to our new family and relationship we will make it through. I’m very lucky to have my husband. I’m lucky that he gives me the benefit of the doubt and understands my craziness.

Shake It Off

Shake It Off

When I first told my sister in law that I was pregnant she gave me the best advice “Get ready for tons of advice. Like I’m talking you are going to want to throat punch everyone eventually. The best advice I got was to stop listening to advice.” I laughed when she said that, boy was she right.

I notice the second you tell someone you’re pregnant, or they see you they wanna tell you what they did when they were pregnant. I understand that it’s a bonding thing for women and they’re excited for me…but sometimes I want it to stop. Like that’s great that you craved the same thing I do can we stop it there versus you going “oh but if you eat too much of it <insert potential harm to baby here> could happen.” Overall this doesn’t happen too often, thanks to me working at home. I really do hate people but it happens enough to where I can say it kinda irks me, then again I try to see it from their point of view. They’re excited, it’s an experience they can share with someone else.

The thing that gets me the most and I can’t help but want to scream is the horror stories. Please stfu about the horror stories. I’m a first time mom…please keep your horror stories to yourself. It’s terrifying and more annoying than anything. Like you were a first time mom at one point, you know how absolutely terrified you were. I’m sure you didn’t want to hear how your uterus ripped and your baby came out of your body like Alien…seriously I don’t wanna know. I’m promising myself right now I will not do this unless it’s to a family member to mess with them. 

So with that I’m going to keep my positive attitude that’s seemed to crept up on me since I’ve been pregnant. Whenever either of these things happen to me I’ll just smile, nod, make sure the right interjection is used and try and think that they’re just excited. Yeah let’s see how long that lasts since I’m a horribly mean human being. 

Fears

Fears

I don’t have a clever song lyric to put as a title this time. I’m terrified. Terrified knowing now I’m having a girl. I’m going to be quiet honest here…I’m a shit wife, I’m a shit woman for the most part. I’ve always been the tough kind of girl. I’m the girl who at 5 years old knocked out her brother’s bully. I’m the girl that was seen as “one of the guys” until they realized I had boobs. Now here are things about me that are totally girly. Tools, cars, dirt I hate/don’t understand. I still can’t tell the difference between a needle nose plier and a wire cutter. They seriously look exactly the same to me. I’ve always had my dad and figured he’d always be around to help me out or tell me what guy to call to fix things for me. Now I rely on my dad and my husband for these things. I’m not ashamed to admit it, part of me believes in roles between men and women as well in relationships and that’s why it’s more important for them to know. Then there’s my sister, she’s her own handyman and it’s awesome, but I just never hit that point of caring enough.

Why I’m a shit wife and woman. I’ve always been a bit independent and intimidating. On the first date with my husband I went on and on about guys I have beaten up…thankfully my husband thought that was awesome and is socially awkward so he didn’t hang onto it too much. A guy I was into before meeting my husband would tell me how he was working out to get stronger and build muscles. What did I say “still can’t take me down.” SHUT UP! It’s like a weird defense mechanism. It was like I was saying “emotionally I’m fragile, but don’t worry physically you can’t hurt me.” What girl does that? When we started living together I would cook for my husband every night….for about 2 weeks to a month. This was after I changed my schedule to ensure I was home before him. Remember when I said I was lazy? I hate cooking. I really do, I hate doing laundry…that chore started falling to my husband. Then came a point due to our job situation where he was practically the stay at home husband/fiance and I was the working wife/fiance. I took a lot of things for granted. I did stupid things and developed bad habits, I mean he did as well, but he’s not as stubborn as I am. We had to move in with my parents for financial reasons on both sides and then I really started to see how shitty of a wife I truly was.

My mother is a tough cookie. I mean seriously. My mom was always hard on me and my sister and more leaniant with my brothers. My mother is a first generation immigrant. At 14 years old she came to America from the Phillippines and grew up in the Bronx. My mom is a badass. She’s tough, but she loves just as hard. Growing up I would ask my dad why mom was so hard on me. And my dad would try and explain, I wouldn’t get it still. Then he would just sigh and say this infamous line “one day when you’re older you’re gonna say ‘Dad I get it’ and I’m just gonna smile and shake my head.” Yeah that’s happened. Exactly as he said. My mother has 5 children, 3 of us (now) live at home, and my grandparents (her side) live with us too. I have seen this woman wake up at the crack of dawn (most mornings she beats the sun) make coffee, and open windows, doors, and blinds to let the sun in. Then she mentally goes through what everyone’s schedule is. She makes breakfast for my dad every morning knowing if he doesn’t eat after a certain amount of time he gets a terrible headache. She makes sure all of us kids are up when we need to be, have what we need, takes care of my twin nephews (while my sister and brother in law work). Oh my mom works for home while doing all this. She then also makes sure she cleans every day  and by the end of the day you’d think she’d look awful with bags under her eyes, hair everywhere just purely exhausted. No, she’s still as radiant and beautiful as she would be if she DIDN’T do all those things. My mother also speaks 3 languages….yeah I’m slacking in nearly every department. She’s truly superwoman and I’m over here working from home struggling to get the damn laundry…which my husband still has to remind me and sometimes finish for me.

I’m scared that I won’t be that to my daughter. I’m scared I’m going to come up short. I really started freaking out about these things, and then I got some clarity. My husband said to me “I know you. Once you set your mind to it, you get it done and it’s better than you thought.” My father said “Drea, if you don’t like those things and you’re afraid change it. It’s that simple.” My mother “it’ll come with time. You’re already doing good at changing your eating, everything else will comes.” So today I feel better. I’m still scared, oh boy am I scared, but as I said before it’s not about me anymore. It’s all about my daughter and I hope that one day she looks at me the way I look at my mom. With pride, a bit of envy (mostly her hair because I got my father’s. Oh and how she can look 20 years younger than she is) and absolute love and adoration.

Isn’t She Lovely?

Isn’t She Lovely?

It’s officially a girl! I always knew it was a girl. I would be happy either way, but there’s a certain satisfaction I feel in being right. It’s crazy that like our family tradition it’s a girl first. My mom, sister, and brother all had a girl first so I guess it was my turn. There’s nothing else I can really say on this. I’m really excited. Now to just continue and wait for the baby to decide when she wants to come out!

What Is This Feeling?

What Is This Feeling?

We’re still over 24 hours away from finding out if we’re having a boy or girl. I’m beyond anxious. I can’t wait to start really shopping for the baby and actually start calling the baby by name. All day yesterday the baby was having fun kicking at a nerve. It was painful but I couldn’t help but laugh. When I say painful, I mean it’s an “ah okay that doesn’t feel good!” not an “OMG MAKE IT STOP!” I also found myself telling the baby “what are you doing?! Stop its not funny!” Of course my father egged the baby on by saying “Yeah kick her!” My mom told me that it’s around that time when I’ll feel the baby moving more and more due to how far along I am. People always ask me what I’m feeling.

Pregnancy Symptoms

Nausea? Morning sickness? Eating for two!

Thank God I didn’t have this. I was afraid because my body is so sensitive to every little thing that I would have morning sickness. The only thing I had was if I ate too much, or didn’t eat enough I would feel sick. If I gorged myself I felt fine…for about 10 minutes then I was in the bathroom literally releasing everything that was in my body. Not pretty, not fun. So I had to learn to figure out if I’m actually hungry or dehydrated. Also, Mexican food that I love…baby doesn’t like so much. So after the first couple of months I learned slower than I should have what to do and what not to do.

Are your emotions all crazy?

I’m already an emotional person. It’s rather pathetic sometimes. Little sweet things make me cry. Hey I’m the 7 year old that cried in Final Fantasy 7 when a character died. I also get angry very quickly. My mom likes to be nice sometimes and call it “passionate” when in reality we know I’m crazy. I’m learning patience and not to yell and freak out all the time…it doesn’t always work. Ask my husband how many times I’ve apologized for being a complete lunatic. Then there’s the random crying at things like Miss Universe. Yeah…I cried when she was crowned. So yeah, that “typical” symptom I got.

What about the acne?

Depends on the day. Some times my skin is clear and nice. Thankfully, I never had any real issues with acne. So breaking out randomly freaks me out and then I have to realize it’s just the changes in my body. Thankfully the acne seems to go away after a week and a half at the latest. I’m very very thankful that it isn’t as bad as it could be. The dry skin in random places is a bit irritating though, but again not as bad as it could be.

Swelling?

Only after my walks. I’m not an exercise kind of person. I never have been, but my doctor, family members, coworkers, and strangers all tell me walking is good for the endurance I’ll need when the baby comes. So I’ve been walking more. I feel like it’s therapy almost, I put on my music and just walk the neighborhood. I find myself going through a plethora of emotions, but at the end I feel good. Plus exposure to the sun will help my pastey skin. I’m really hoping the baby gets the good Filipino genes and isn’t like their father and I. 10 minutes in the sun and we’re burnt somewhere.

Exhaustion?

Okay as you can see…I’m a lazy person. I mean L-A-Z-Y, but I’ve been working on it. Sitting straight up and falling asleep randomly while drooling profusely all over myself is not cool. I then get to that point where you’re in between conscious and unconscious where you go to move, you tell yourself you’re moving/waking up and then you’re asleep again.

Weight gain and cravings?

Cravings. Fruit and chips. Like seriously can I just have two gigantic bowls. One full of fruits, all kinds I’m not picky. Another full of potato chips and Dean’s french onion dip. And then maybe a smaller bowl of Doritos and sour cream. Okay, I know the Doritos and sour cream sounds gross, but it’s delicious. My own personal favorite fat girl treat.

I have been what I call a fat girl since I was about 12 or 13. I used to be tiny. I mean the skinniest little girl on the planet. Puberty hit and my self consciousness became a real issue so I became fat. I didn’t want to fix it, because honestly I thought that it would only last while I was in high school. Then college I maintained my weight, due to walking literally everywhere. There are no real reasons for my weight issues other than I ignored them. I realize it seems like I went on a tangent, but it’ll come around. Last month my doctor told me that since I am overweight (I don’t discuss the number) that he wanted me on a 2,300 low sugar diet. Oh did I mention that I also have high blood sugar and if I kept up with the way I was eating before pregnancy I would have become diabetic? He let me know that I currently have gestational diabetes. The way he explained it was that it just means I have higher blood sugar than is recommended for the baby and the insulin that my body creates could end up harming the baby if it is too much.

I started using this app called My Fitness Pal Under Armour is the one that created it. I started keeping up with my walking and eating and I found I was already eating around 2,300 calories a day. I kept up with that for about 2 weeks because I realized even though the doctor said 2,300 I didn’t need to stress out over it if I didn’t change my eating habits. The day I found out I was pregnant I started eating better. I cut down on a lot of crap…Taco Bell is like a treat to me now. I used to drink a Mountain Dew every morning and then eat candy through out the day to keep my hyper (sometimes my job gets boring), and I stopped that. Over the course of this pregnancy I have lost about 30 pounds. Yes…lost. I am officially lighter than I was before I was pregnant.

Once I became pregnant I realized it is not about me. It is all about this baby and if I want a healthy baby I am the only person who can ensure that happens. The doctor told me the baby looks good and healthy and it was like music to my ears. I will continue to do this, even after pregnancy. It has really opened my eyes to not be so selfish. I mean, my husband has been teaching my that, but bringing this life into the world is true selflessness to me.

Here Comes My Baby

Here Comes My Baby

Why did I start a mommy blog? Because they’re everywhere. Okay, no really that’s not the only reason. I’ve seen so many blogs with positive and negative advice about pregnancy and motherhood in general, so I thought why not go ahead and do my own. I guess we should start at the beginning.

My husband and I got married last June. One of the greatest days of my life, we’ve been together nearly 5 years now and we always knew we wanted to have kids. We both come from pretty big families overall. He is the 2nd of 4 boys, and I’m the 3rd of 5. Yes 2 middle children, but it’s been an adventure. We are truly chaos and order. Yes, chaos is me. I started going to the doctor to make sure every was okay and that we would not have any crazy challenges. Due to my husband being adopted and my struggles with my weight, naturally I was freaking out. When we got the green light from my doctor that everything was okay I was beyond ecstatic.

Christmas Eve I started feeling weird.Even though I wasn’t late yet I took a pregnancy test. Bam! “Pregnant” came across the screen. I cried. I told my husband, he cried. It was so hard not to tell my parents. I’m really close with my parents, but I wanted to surprise them. That night we told my husband’s family while we celebrated Christmas. They were excited for us, if you know my mother in law, you know there was lots of screaming and excitement. My husband’s family and my youngest brother were the only other people who knew we were pregnant. So Christmas Eve I wrapped up a gift and put in my 2 pregnancy tests inside that said “pregnant” for my parents to unwrap. After they opened the gift they both teared up and congratulated us. It was seriously a great feeling.

I’m currently 5 months along. Yesterday we went to the doctor to find out the gender. My sister is the only one who knows and I’m stuck waiting until Sunday. I’m beyond excited. Boy or girl, I really don’t care, but I will say I have felt from the very beginning that we’re having a girl.

How are you feeling? Amazing. Fantastic. I feel like I’m falling in love all over again. Even though there are some difficulties and challenges I can’t say I feel anything negative. I honestly feel great. I wake up every morning just beyond happy. I’m happy all day…well there are work stresses during the day that make me cranky, but overall I am happy. I look forward to every morning of this pregnancy.