The Kids Are Alright

Not only is Thanksgiving just around the corner so is Ava turning 3 months old. She’s been in this habit for the past week where she wakes up for his middle of the night change and feeding and then doesn’t sleep until 2-4am. This is not good for many reasons.

1) She then sleeps for 12 hours and her entire day is gone or she’ll wake up a few hours later take her morning nap and then sleep all after noon into the early evening. So this becomes hard to manage because I try to anticipate when she’ll wake to play with her and whatnot, but she’s not having it.

2) This becomes Ava play time. Why sleep when she can play mommy?  No she doesn’t want to play during the day when the sun is out, she’s a nocturnal beast.

3) This is the worst, I have to start getting ready to go back to work and my day starts at 6am. Thankfully my husband has changed his hours to where he is working at 7am instead of 3am. This has already been working out much better.

I originally wasn’t going back to work until the beginning of the year. Due to our financial state we can’t afford for me to wait that long. It was also more of my choice because I don’t like how tight things are money wise and I have to start paying these medical bills somehow. So anyways now that I’ve complained about my money situation blah blah blah moving on.

Ava is apparently like me as a baby, always has to fight sleep. So here comes when I have to teach her to sleep on her own, but most importantly it’s not Ava chooses when she sleeps. It is the hardest thing. Hearing her cry makes me insane I just want to hold her and stay with her, but I know she needs to be on this schedule otherwise I will never sleep and I will go insane. Some questions I get asked:

Why don’t you sleep when she sleeps?

Okay fair enough I do try, in fact today I took a nap for a couple of hours while she slept.  It during the day I have things to do: laundry, bills, dishes, cleaning up in general, etc. Besides my work schedule is 6-2:30 so I really can’t take a nap until AFTER 2:30. Thank God I work from home which makes things easier.

Why don’t you just let her sleep she’ll change her schedule eventually?

Eventually is now. I can’t have her awake all night, she’s proven that she can sleep for 7-12 hours at one time I just need her to adjust that to the night time. Like if she slept at 8 and slept that long I’d be fine.

Why don’t you wake her up and try to keep her up then?

Fuck that. My child is so me it’s like “you want me awake?! FINE I’LL SCREAM THE WHOLE TIME!!” Its best to let her sleep, and the pediatrician told me the same thing, to let her sleep and eat as much as she wants because she’s a baby.

Why not cosleep with her, make it easy in yourself?

I coslept with her for about 2 weeks after she was born. My husband would leave for work and she’d wake up for a feeding and I’d just let her sleep with me. The reason I don’t like doing that is I’m so terrified of crushing her. Also she sleeps just fine in her bassinet so I don’t feel like she needs me there. Also, I don’t see an issue with the whole crying it out thing.

So I have tasked myself to start forcing her to realize that she sleeps when it’s time to sleep. I have to stay strong and stay firm with her. My parents told me that when I started to just cry it out it took me 2 1/2 hours to finally stop. So I’m ready for a long night. I don’t know how other parents do it, I think we all just hope what we’re doing is the best and go from there. So if you have a different approach that worked then awesome, I’m going to try this way.

My favorite piece of advice I got my from my sister was. “It’s your baby. If you want to cosleep with her or have her cry it out it’s up to you. Just don’t wake her up while she’s sleeping unless you absolutely have to.”

It Means No Worries

Baby Ava is 5 (nearly 6) weeks old. I can officially say that this is the hardest thing I’ve ever been through in my life. I’ve finally hit the point where I’ve stopped crying the nights that she doesn’t sleep. I’m slowly learning different things she needs/prefers it’s crazy. It truly makes me wonder what kind of personality she will have. I will say this little girl still brings a smile to my face and makes me glad we decided to start having kids.

We for sure want more kids, but not for another couple of years. I look at Ava and know that she needs a sibling…or 3. Hahaha! The first few weeks with Ava were difficult for Zach and me. We definitely our share of fights and just getting irritated with each other. After talking it out amongst ourselves and seeking advice from parents we moved past it. I know it’s not the end of the fights that come up while raising a child, but I feel much better. 

I will say that I have a whole new level of respect for single parents and parents in general. I can’t imagine how someone raises children on their own, again I will say they are the real heroes of the world. And parents all the heartbreak that comes with having a child. I’m not there yet, but I look back at my childhood and realize I didn’t make things easy for my parents. I’m thankful for their strictness and I hope I’m half the parent my mother is. Well now I’m off to get this baby to bed since she’s a stubborn one. 

Here’s to the Nights We Slept

Ava is officially 2 weeks old…and I now see how having a baby can cause strain on a relationship. The lack of sleep alone could cause all kinds of problems. 

It has been a definite struggle keeping up with Ava’s ever changing schedule. Zach and I have had our first fight which was due to lack of sleep and a crying baby. We talked through it though and I think that things are just harder than we anticipated. Zach has been working 12 hour shifts since he started back at work this week which means we don’t really see him. I was also used to the tag team of things in the middle of the night, I can no longer expect that. So we have to compromise. 

Mommy (me) is working to stay on the baby’s schedule. Daddy (Zach) is working to try and work out time to be with us and get adequate sleep. I’m sure someone is asking “what about his days off?” Zach’s job is VERY VERY busy right now which is great for the paycheck, bad for the relationship. 

He often works great 10-20 days straight until he gets a day off. He never says no to the overtime, because we need it (who doesn’t these days?). When it gets too much I do tell him to take a day off, but only when I see that he’s practically a zombie going through the motions. I’m beyond thankful and proud of him because up until this week he was working and going to school full time; at one point he was working 2 jobs and going to school full time. Unfortunately due to some unforeseen circumstances, Zach is no longer going to school. It’s okay though, we roll with the punches and I truly believe everything happens for a reason.

I know it’s tough and Zach does too, but at the end of each day we manage to make it to bed with a smile. Every time the baby cries at night, at first it’s a little overwhelming because we just want to sleep, but the second we see her it all seems to melt away. I don’t know, and more importantly I don’t want to know, how people beat/kill their babies. I don’t understand what happens in their mind that makes them snap. I’m just thankful that it’s not like that with us. For sure we want to have more kids, but not right now. At least that’s how I’m feeling while I’m healing still.

It’s Been One Week Since You Were Born

Well guys I made it, and Ava is here.

Last Monday I went to the hospital to be induced. I ended up not giving birth until Tuesday morning. I will say as much as I loved being pregnant I NEVER be induced again!! Oh my God it was ridiculous! Where do I even begin?

Checking dilation.

Holy fucking shit. Uncomfortable? That doesn’t even begin to describe it. They should have said “hey we’re practically going to fist you and then tell you to relax.” I swear to God the nurses put up to their damn forearm in my vagina. So after finding out I was only 1 cm dilated they had to put this thing in me called cervadil (sp?). “It’s like a tampon it’s going to soften your cervix and help dilate. It stays in for 12 hours and you can’t get up for the first 2 hours.” So they put this thing up my vagina and that is just as painful as them checking my dilation. After 12 hours I was 3 cm dilated which meant it was time for Pitocin which officially brought on contractions. Thank God my husband and mother were with me, because it was just horrible.

Labor Pains

Women who give birth without any pain medication are true fucking heroes. I know that the Pitocin brings contractions on stronger than normal, but fuck I couldn’t take it. I went in thinking I’m a badass I can take this birth without any pain killers. 22 hours later I gave in. Now I will say I never felt a 10 on the pain scale, I only got to a 5, but honestly after almost an entire day of feeling contractions on and off I just wanted it to end. I was sick of being in the hospital, sick of every nurse coming in to rearrange my baby monitors (which were so fucking tight it felt like a damn corset), sick of the on and off pain I just wanted my baby.  As much as I hate needles and the waiver I had to sign freaked me out, but I did it. Feeling that epidural needle go in, all I could think was “this is what a puppet feels like.” After that I couldn’t take the pain. My family was with me and they were like “you don’t have to prove anything to anyone. 22 hours is a long time”.

Giving Birth

So now that I had the epidural I was able to sleep. I knew it meant I wouldn’t feel pain I didn’t realize that I’d have my left leg completely numb to where I couldn’t even move it. It was honestly scary. I honestly thought for a minute that I was paralyzed and that I wouldn’t gain feeling in my leg, I did after giving birth, but still. So I’ve been just laying in bed and it turns out I was only 7cm dilated. This new nurse came in and started moving me in different positions and about an hour later I say to my mom “Mom, I feel like I have to push.” She goes “DON’T PUSH!” And gets the nurse. I ended up pushing for an hour and a half, but it didn’t seem like it. Feeling my baby come out was a crazy feeling, what felt even better was the afterbirth coming out: I literally said “holy shit that feels good!” After it came out and all the nurses laughed.

My Baby

There are no words. Even now thinking back on when I first saw her I can’t think of the words to describe how I felt. I looked at my husband, he cried and kissed my forehead I cried harder. When they handed her to me I cried harder. She was truly the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. I said to my husband “we made that”. And it was like my entire world changed. Suddenly so many worries and fears slipped away. I couldn’t stop crying, it was the only thing I could do that helped explain how I felt. We did have a few bumps in the road to get her home, I’m not going to go through that. I may have fought with a couple of nurses because of it.

Now, we’re home and my entire life has just changed. I am so thankful for my husband. He truly did everything for me and seeing him with our child brings my heart a joy I can’t explain. I think she has caused me to fall in love with him even more, honestly I didn’t think it was possible. It’s been 9 days since I’ve given birth and I feel like I’m functioning at 98%. Trying to work around this infant’s schedule is truly a learning curve, but when I wake up in the middle of the night after only sleeping for 30 minutes she just brings a smile to my face.

8 Months

I am officially at the 8th month mark on Tuesday. I have to admit nerves are settling in. Not the kind of OMG HOW MUCH IS THIS GONNA HURT?! More like OMG I’m going to be responsible for raising a human being to not be a total shit. Let’s move on.

We took a vacation to Colorado for 4th of July weekend and I have to say, it was definitely needed. My husband works…a lot and goes to school full time. If he’s lucky he’ll get the weekend off or even just Sunday, but then he’s back to the grind come Monday. It’s been hard with him working so much and I’m lucky enough  to work from home. I’ll admit I wanted it both ways (even though I know I can’t) I wanted him to work and be with me all the time. Yeah, doesn’t work that way. So the 4 almost 5 days we spent in Colorado were much needed. We got to see each other and talk about things we haven’t gotten around to for one reason or another, it was truly great. I can see now that having this child will come with its own challenges. Not just with raising her, but with our relationship as well. We grew up completely opposite. And maybe my upbringing turned me into the cold hearted bitch that I am, and maybe his turned him into the clueless but kind hearted and sweet soul that he is. I’m hoping with that we will find a balance. I mean we’ll have to right?

I’ve never had so many questions thrown at me now that we’re getting closer and closer.

1. Are you going to have a natural birth? No meds at all? Why yes, I completely intend to? Why? Because even though I’m a cold hearted bitch, I am a wimp when it comes to pain, BUT I believe I can do it and I want to. I figure if I can get through this, then I’m a badass bitch who can get through anything. It’s my personal choice and I have told my husband if a. Use or doctor asks me a 2nd time if I want meds they get a punch in the face.
2. Will you breastfeed? Yes I believe in breast feeding if you can. I believe it’s natural and I also respect a woman’s choice to not breast feed as well. I am not them, so I can’t speak for them. Again, personal choice. Now if someone decides to get on their high horse and tell me not to breast feed in public, I guess I’ll handle that when I get there. I don’t intend on whipping my boob out randomly to get attention, but if I’m out and my child is hungry, the damn it she will be fed!
3. Are you going to stay at home? If I would have been asked this before being pregnant I would have firmly said “I’m not that kind of person.” I have worked since I was 14 years old, I am quite proud that I have a full time job with benefits (even though most days I hate it). I honestly thought I would have a baby and go to work, but when Zach told me he wanted me to stay home I honestly thought about it. I was surprised my initial reaction wasn’t to be offended and get on a feminist high horse. Right now, I will be taking as much time as I can. After that…I will have to cross that bridge when it comes, because I don’t know.
4. Are you going to let the baby cry it out? Or will you coddle her? Well…I was definitely left to cry it out and in doing so I broke everything. Literally everything: crib, high chair, toys, you name it…I broke it. So I guess it depends on how she is and what Zach and feel is right.
5. Do you know when you’ll have her start school? Okay stop. I don’t even know who she is. How can I make decisions for her without getting to know her? I can’t. So beyond, disposable or cloth diapers, breast feeding or not, and basic baby handling I don’t know. I feel like people want so badly for their child to be a certain way and don’t get the chance to find out who their child is. If Ava is a tomboy, then she will be a tomboy. If she chooses not to speak until she’s 6, the she chooses not to speak until then. Zach and I will not be forcing her into being someone she’s not. We will be showing her different things so that she may make her own choice. Honestly I just want my baby to know that she is loved, she can do whatever she wants in life, and I want her to be a good person. If all that becomes true I will know I succeeded as a mother.

False Alarm

Yesterday I had my first actual scare of this pregnancy. I’ve been very fortunate to not have nausea, spotting, terrible pains, morning sickness, none of the typical movie/book pregnancy symptoms you see or read about. Overall this pregnancy has been easy breezy and has kept me in a constant state of peace. Let’s go back to yesterday.

I noticed some weird bleeding after using the bathroom and I called my doctor. At first I wasn’t worried, my mom said she had had the same kind of thing, but again due to everything being just fantastic I started to worry. What kept me calm was the fact that my baby had been very active yesterday. I called my doctor, and his office assistant answered. I explained to her what was going on. I said “is that normal?” Her repsonse? “No that’s not normal you need to go to the hospital.” My doctor’s office is only open Mon-Thurs, he’s a very very busy OBGYN, but he’s great so I can’t complain. So I called my dad who was at work and he took me to the hospital.

At the hospital I was asked I think 2-3 times, again in front of my father, when was the last time you had sex? Now I’m 25, I live with my parents, I’m pregnant, and my parents are I are pretty damn close. Why is this question so awkward to me? I don’t know. Maybe I just feel uncomfortable with my father knowing when the last time my husband and I had sex in his house. My dad’s response “Drea, you’re pregnant. I know you’re a slut.” Gotta love my dad. I know someone is going to read that and read too much into it, trust me this was all said in jest. It turns out, nothing was wrong. Everything was fine. The baby’s monitor was great, my vitals were all fine. I will tell you my doctor was pissed.

My sister and I have the same doctor. He did one of her surgeries and when she called the office with questions post surgery she was told it was all normal. She went for her post surgery check up…she had an infection. Our doctor was so pissed, he excused himself from her room and went out to yell at the office employees. He said to me “do not seek medical advice from the office staff. You have them call me.” The good news is everything is okay.

We’re 6 and a half months into this pregnancy and I just find myself truly happy every day. I’m glad everything is running smoothly and everything’s normal. Can’t wait to see what other adventures this journey holds!

Dear Daughter

Every day I wake up feeling absolutely astounding! Being pregnant has been one of the greatest experiences of my life. I almost don’t have words to describe it. As I’ve said time and time again it’s like falling in love all over again, but different. I guess different because I realize that this person that’s cooking away in my belly is mine & Zach’s responsibility and a product of the love we share between each other. I’ve decided on this beautiful soothing rainy day to let my daughter know a few things. Things I knew and was told growing up and it helped.

• You are wanted and loved.

Ava, please always know that you are wanted and that we love you. We have wanted you in our lives since we fell in love. You have been loved since the moment I found out I was pregnant. We are beyond excited to bring you into this world and show you everything and we will love you good and bad no matter what.

• If Dad and I fight, it is NEVER your fault.

Marriage is hard. People fight. It is normal. If you do something wrong and you hear or see Dad and I arguing later, it is not your fault. There is something else that we’re really upset about and it’s never you. You will test our patience and break our hearts, but we will never fight because of you.

• Be a good person and do the right thing.

If you’re gay, straight, trans, a CEO of a company, fast food worker, ditch digger, teacher, tall, short, fat, skinny, I don’t care. None of that matters to me. Be a good person. That is most important. Everything else doesn’t matter beause being a good person and doing the right thing is never wrong. I don’t care what the world thinks or says about you. You are loved unconditionally by your family especially your father and I. All we want in this life is for you to be happy. Even in my darkest days I knew that I had to be a good person and ALWAYS  do the right thing no matter how much it sucks.

You will learn that people suck some times. That life is hard and people will hurt you. You cannot let them take away the good in you. You are better than that. You cannot let them turn you cold. I know it’ll be hard, trust me I know. Even if it’s a family member who hurts you forgive them, even when they don’t apologize..which will hurt the most, forgiving them is the best thing you can do. Not for them, for yourself…because it is the right thing to do. You have to worry about how you sleep at night, not them.

I can’t wait to meet you little girl. I hope and pray that you’re a happy healthy baby when you arrive. I promise I will continue to make sure to take care of you while you’re in there. Oh and maybe don’t kick mommy so hard in the nerve…she likes to walk without nearly falling over. Haha.

You, Me, and the Baby Makes 3

My husband and I have been together since July of 2012. It’s honestly strange to think that I’ve been with someone that long, that I’ve begun to share a life with this person. When you look at us, you honestly would not think we go together. I am very much a type A personality, and my husband is not. I’m loud and outspoken, he’s quiet and reserved. Like I said before I’m chaos, he is order. We’re very opposite on so many things so it makes people wonder what keeps them together? I do not claim to be a marriage expert in any way, shape, or form so I can’t tell you. I will tell you what I’ve learned since I’ve been with my husband.

Just jump. Literally. I am terrified of heights. Like too close to a balcony ledge I’m ready to throw up and cry. A few summers ago my brother in law took the family out to the Colorado River. While we were there my brother in law suggested cliff diving. I followed the boys (my sister couldn’t go due to being pregnant with my nephews) up the cliff and looked down. I honestly thought if I jumped off I would die. It took my husband to take my head, look me in the eye, and tell me we’d jump together…and I did. It was the most terrifying thing I had ever experienced. I totally peed myself on the way down too, it was gross. My husband has also helped me get over my anxiety about needles. My whole life I have been terrified of needles. Like I’ve kicked a doctor (I was like 12), and until I was 18 my dad still came to be my support as I got a shot. The nurse would laugh and give me her judgey judge look and say “You still need your dad here?”. Yeah lady I hate needles so make it quick. So how did I get over my needle issue? The 2nd day of dating my husband and I went to donate blood. He couldn’t I could. From then I would start donating when I could and face that fear and now when my doctor has me go for blood tests I’m not longer terrified. I just go and stay calm.

You can’t have everything. I know that sounds stupid and cliche, but hear me out. When we lived together my husband struggled to keep a job that paid well and gave him enough hours. It was hard, but it meant that he was home about 80% of the time while I worked 5 days a week. In that time there was a lot of taking each other for granted. I remember one night we were both sitting in bed and wouldn’t really talk to each other. Finally I asked what was wrong and he told me how he felt like I did nothing around the house. Initially I was pissed. Who the hell did he think he was, he wasn’t working I was. Then I realized…even if he wasn’t working it was still my responsibility to help take care of things and the most important thing I wasn’t taking care of was my husband. We talked that whole night about things we wanted to change and what we expected. At this point we had only been living together a few months and already had the biggest fight that I think every couple goes through when you move in. I call it the “I’m not your mother/father” fight. You know the one where you’re feeling each other out and you realize your significant other isn’t perfect? Yeah that one. After those two fights I think we really hit our stride as a couple. We learned what was important and most importantly to take time. Now my husband works 50-60 hours a week and goes to school full time. Our time to see each other is limited and yes I would love for him to be here more because I’m needy damn it! but at the same time I know it can’t be that way otherwise we wouldn’t have the things that we do and be able to do things that we like. So even if we don’t see each other every night (we may wake each other up for this) we talk. We also try to go out just the two of us at least one every few months. Our finances our tight so we can’t afford to always do a date night, but when we do it’s always spontaneous and nice. It’s those moments, I think, that helps remind us of why we chose to be together.

In that I’ve learned to be a little more patient…and to be nice. What do I mean be nice? I am not a nice person. I’m not. I admit my default mode is bitch and I can be a bit of a hothead. There is no real reason, but with my husband and I coming from two different worlds sometimes I want to choke him out. I have to remind myself that our cultural differences aren’t something that mesh over night. I have to remind myself to breathe to think about his point of view and to approach the situation calmly. I’m still working on this and it is probably my biggest struggle as a wife, but I will get better. I have to, because if I don’t work to fix these things about myself, what am I saying about how I feel about my relationship and specifically my husband. To me, if I were to not try and work on not being so mean it means I don’t care. It means that I think that I’m better than my husband because I refuse to change. When I apologize to me husband more than I’d like to admit. for being mean he’ll just laugh and say “it’s okay.” Boy I never knew how much apologizing came with a relationship.

I know things will change. I know that when this baby arrives a new kind of fight will make it’s way to the surface, and that’s okay. I am confident that between the two of us and our commitment to our new family and relationship we will make it through. I’m very lucky to have my husband. I’m lucky that he gives me the benefit of the doubt and understands my craziness.

Isn’t She Lovely?

It’s officially a girl! I always knew it was a girl. I would be happy either way, but there’s a certain satisfaction I feel in being right. It’s crazy that like our family tradition it’s a girl first. My mom, sister, and brother all had a girl first so I guess it was my turn. There’s nothing else I can really say on this. I’m really excited. Now to just continue and wait for the baby to decide when she wants to come out!