Baby Ava is 5 (nearly 6) weeks old. I can officially say that this is the hardest thing I’ve ever been through in my life. I’ve finally hit the point where I’ve stopped crying the nights that she doesn’t sleep. I’m slowly learning different things she needs/prefers it’s crazy. It truly makes me wonder what kind of personality she will have. I will say this little girl still brings a smile to my face and makes me glad we decided to start having kids.
We for sure want more kids, but not for another couple of years. I look at Ava and know that she needs a sibling…or 3. Hahaha! The first few weeks with Ava were difficult for Zach and me. We definitely our share of fights and just getting irritated with each other. After talking it out amongst ourselves and seeking advice from parents we moved past it. I know it’s not the end of the fights that come up while raising a child, but I feel much better.
I will say that I have a whole new level of respect for single parents and parents in general. I can’t imagine how someone raises children on their own, again I will say they are the real heroes of the world. And parents all the heartbreak that comes with having a child. I’m not there yet, but I look back at my childhood and realize I didn’t make things easy for my parents. I’m thankful for their strictness and I hope I’m half the parent my mother is. Well now I’m off to get this baby to bed since she’s a stubborn one.
I am officially at the 8th month mark on Tuesday. I have to admit nerves are settling in. Not the kind of OMG HOW MUCH IS THIS GONNA HURT?! More like OMG I’m going to be responsible for raising a human being to not be a total shit. Let’s move on.
We took a vacation to Colorado for 4th of July weekend and I have to say, it was definitely needed. My husband works…a lot and goes to school full time. If he’s lucky he’ll get the weekend off or even just Sunday, but then he’s back to the grind come Monday. It’s been hard with him working so much and I’m lucky enough to work from home. I’ll admit I wanted it both ways (even though I know I can’t) I wanted him to work and be with me all the time. Yeah, doesn’t work that way. So the 4 almost 5 days we spent in Colorado were much needed. We got to see each other and talk about things we haven’t gotten around to for one reason or another, it was truly great. I can see now that having this child will come with its own challenges. Not just with raising her, but with our relationship as well. We grew up completely opposite. And maybe my upbringing turned me into the cold hearted bitch that I am, and maybe his turned him into the clueless but kind hearted and sweet soul that he is. I’m hoping with that we will find a balance. I mean we’ll have to right?
I’ve never had so many questions thrown at me now that we’re getting closer and closer.
- Are you going to have a natural birth? No meds at all? Why yes, I completely intend to? Why? Because even though I’m a cold hearted bitch, I am a wimp when it comes to pain, BUT I believe I can do it and I want to. I figure if I can get through this, then I’m a badass bitch who can get through anything. It’s my personal choice and I have told my husband if a. Use or doctor asks me a 2nd time if I want meds they get a punch in the face.
- Will you breastfeed? Yes I believe in breast feeding if you can. I believe it’s natural and I also respect a woman’s choice to not breast feed as well. I am not them, so I can’t speak for them. Again, personal choice. Now if someone decides to get on their high horse and tell me not to breast feed in public, I guess I’ll handle that when I get there. I don’t intend on whipping my boob out randomly to get attention, but if I’m out and my child is hungry, the damn it she will be fed!
- Are you going to stay at home? If I would have been asked this before being pregnant I would have firmly said “I’m not that kind of person.” I have worked since I was 14 years old, I am quite proud that I have a full time job with benefits (even though most days I hate it). I honestly thought I would have a baby and go to work, but when Zach told me he wanted me to stay home I honestly thought about it. I was surprised my initial reaction wasn’t to be offended and get on a feminist high horse. Right now, I will be taking as much time as I can. After that…I will have to cross that bridge when it comes, because I don’t know.
- Are you going to let the baby cry it out? Or will you coddle her? Well…I was definitely left to cry it out and in doing so I broke everything. Literally everything: crib, high chair, toys, you name it…I broke it. So I guess it depends on how she is and what Zach and feel is right.
- Do you know when you’ll have her start school? Okay stop. I don’t even know who she is. How can I make decisions for her without getting to know her? I can’t. So beyond, disposable or cloth diapers, breast feeding or not, and basic baby handling I don’t know. I feel like people want so badly for their child to be a certain way and don’t get the chance to find out who their child is. If Ava is a tomboy, then she will be a tomboy. If she chooses not to speak until she’s 6, the she chooses not to speak until then. Zach and I will not be forcing her into being someone she’s not. We will be showing her different things so that she may make her own choice. Honestly I just want my baby to know that she is loved, she can do whatever she wants in life, and I want her to be a good person. If all that becomes true I will know I succeeded as a mother.