Fears

I don’t have a clever song lyric to put as a title this time. I’m terrified. Terrified knowing now I’m having a girl. I’m going to be quiet honest here…I’m a shit wife, I’m a shit woman for the most part. I’ve always been the tough kind of girl. I’m the girl who at 5 years old knocked out her brother’s bully. I’m the girl that was seen as “one of the guys” until they realized I had boobs. Now here are things about me that are totally girly. Tools, cars, dirt I hate/don’t understand. I still can’t tell the difference between a needle nose plier and a wire cutter. They seriously look exactly the same to me. I’ve always had my dad and figured he’d always be around to help me out or tell me what guy to call to fix things for me. Now I rely on my dad and my husband for these things. I’m not ashamed to admit it, part of me believes in roles between men and women as well in relationships and that’s why it’s more important for them to know. Then there’s my sister, she’s her own handyman and it’s awesome, but I just never hit that point of caring enough.

Why I’m a shit wife and woman. I’ve always been a bit independent and intimidating. On the first date with my husband I went on and on about guys I have beaten up…thankfully my husband thought that was awesome and is socially awkward so he didn’t hang onto it too much. A guy I was into before meeting my husband would tell me how he was working out to get stronger and build muscles. What did I say “still can’t take me down.” SHUT UP! It’s like a weird defense mechanism. It was like I was saying “emotionally I’m fragile, but don’t worry physically you can’t hurt me.” What girl does that? When we started living together I would cook for my husband every night….for about 2 weeks to a month. This was after I changed my schedule to ensure I was home before him. Remember when I said I was lazy? I hate cooking. I really do, I hate doing laundry…that chore started falling to my husband. Then came a point due to our job situation where he was practically the stay at home husband/fiance and I was the working wife/fiance. I took a lot of things for granted. I did stupid things and developed bad habits, I mean he did as well, but he’s not as stubborn as I am. We had to move in with my parents for financial reasons on both sides and then I really started to see how shitty of a wife I truly was.

My mother is a tough cookie. I mean seriously. My mom was always hard on me and my sister and more leaniant with my brothers. My mother is a first generation immigrant. At 14 years old she came to America from the Phillippines and grew up in the Bronx. My mom is a badass. She’s tough, but she loves just as hard. Growing up I would ask my dad why mom was so hard on me. And my dad would try and explain, I wouldn’t get it still. Then he would just sigh and say this infamous line “one day when you’re older you’re gonna say ‘Dad I get it’ and I’m just gonna smile and shake my head.” Yeah that’s happened. Exactly as he said. My mother has 5 children, 3 of us (now) live at home, and my grandparents (her side) live with us too. I have seen this woman wake up at the crack of dawn (most mornings she beats the sun) make coffee, and open windows, doors, and blinds to let the sun in. Then she mentally goes through what everyone’s schedule is. She makes breakfast for my dad every morning knowing if he doesn’t eat after a certain amount of time he gets a terrible headache. She makes sure all of us kids are up when we need to be, have what we need, takes care of my twin nephews (while my sister and brother in law work). Oh my mom works for home while doing all this. She then also makes sure she cleans every day  and by the end of the day you’d think she’d look awful with bags under her eyes, hair everywhere just purely exhausted. No, she’s still as radiant and beautiful as she would be if she DIDN’T do all those things. My mother also speaks 3 languages….yeah I’m slacking in nearly every department. She’s truly superwoman and I’m over here working from home struggling to get the damn laundry…which my husband still has to remind me and sometimes finish for me.

I’m scared that I won’t be that to my daughter. I’m scared I’m going to come up short. I really started freaking out about these things, and then I got some clarity. My husband said to me “I know you. Once you set your mind to it, you get it done and it’s better than you thought.” My father said “Drea, if you don’t like those things and you’re afraid change it. It’s that simple.” My mother “it’ll come with time. You’re already doing good at changing your eating, everything else will comes.” So today I feel better. I’m still scared, oh boy am I scared, but as I said before it’s not about me anymore. It’s all about my daughter and I hope that one day she looks at me the way I look at my mom. With pride, a bit of envy (mostly her hair because I got my father’s. Oh and how she can look 20 years younger than she is) and absolute love and adoration.